🕊️ Conflict & resolution · #119

I say I have forgiven, but the old hurt still comes back up when we argue. Why?

Forgiving is a decision to let go of resentment, but the heart's healing takes time and does not happen instantly. If the old hurt keeps coming up, perhaps it has not truly been discussed and repaired, or trust has not yet been rebuilt. Instead of dragging it up as a weapon during a fight, set a calm time to say: ‘I have forgiven, but I still need help to heal.’ Ask for actions that reassure you, such as transparency or patience. Forgiving and being big-hearted remain noble, and they can go hand in hand with a slow healing process. If the wound is too deep, a counsellor can help you both. See trials in a marriage.

← PreviousI want to settle things straight away, but my spouse wants to withdraw first. How do we meet in the middle?Next →The children saw us having a bad fight. Should we explain or apologise to them?

Related questions

I have forgiven my unfaithful spouse, but I cannot trust them again yet. Am I a hypocrite?No; forgiving and trusting are two different things, and trust genuinely has to be rebuilt gradually. For…I realise I keep a list of my spouse's faults and bring it out when we fight. How do I stop?Keeping score of faults weighs down the heart and turns every fight into an old trial. This habit usually si…My spouse demands all my phone and account passwords in the name of love. Should I give them?Transparency given willingly is different from passwords demanded as a condition of control. Couples who trust each o…My spouse forbids me from seeing family and friends until I am isolated. What should I do?Isolating you from family and friends is one of the most dangerous signs of coercive control, because it …My spouse is addicted and has not changed for a long time. Should I keep holding on?There is no single answer; this decision depends on safety, your spouse’s effort, and the limits of what you can bear. Hol…My husband has started threatening me and being rough with me when I claim my rights as a second wife. What should I do?Your safety comes before every other consideration; claiming your rights is never a reason to be abused or threa…

This answer is general reference, not a fatwa. For your situation, consult the religious affairs office, a Syarie lawyer or your state Syariah Court.

Comments or feedback

Read only by the MYPolygyny administrator — never published.

About Us · Ask · Site Map · Privacy · Editorial policy · Disclaimer