How can we get help without the extended family knowing and judging us?

You have the right to protect your marriage's privacy, and getting help quietly is a reasonable choice. Counselling services are confidential, so you do not need to tell the extended family about it. Choose a place or service away from your social circle if that eases your mind. You can set session times at hours that do not raise questions. Remember, keeping your household's private faults from becoming family gossip is a good thing. But in a dangerous situation, getting the support of someone you trust matters more than keeping the secret. Focus on improving the situation, not on what others think. See counselling.