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The art of making amends: ways to reconcile with your wife and your husband
A practical guide to sincerely making amends with your spouse, based on the Qur'an and the example of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ: ways for husbands and wives, sample sentences, things to avoid, making amends in polygyny, and when outside help is needed.
📘 What you will learn
- Understand the principles of making amends in Islam: gentleness, forgiveness, starting the reconciliation
- Learn practical ways to make amends with your wife and with your husband
- Identify forbidden actions such as shunning and threatening divorce
- Know when you need arbitrators (hakam), counselling or safety protection
Key point: Making amends (memujuk) is a sincere effort to restore sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah (tranquillity, love and mercy), and the one who starts the reconciliation is the better of the two. Sweet words must come with changed behaviour, and making amends does not apply to violence — safety comes first.
This week's practice
- Apologise specifically for one thing this week, without a "but"
- Help with one household task each day or give your spouse a specific thank-you
- Set a calm time to talk, and avoid arguing in front of the children or on social media
At a glance
Principle
Five principles of making up in Islam
- 1Gentleness — Allah loves gentleness (Sahih Muslim 2593); a harsh heart drives people away (3:159).
- 2Forgiving — "Let them pardon and overlook" (24:22).
- 3Repay with goodness — Repel evil with what is better (41:34).
- 4Reconciliation is better — "…and settlement is best" (4:128).
- 5Be first — The best is the one who greets first (Bukhari 6077; Muslim 2560) — not a sign of defeat.
Technique
Making up with your wife, making up with your husband
Husband persuades wife
- Listen without interrupting
- Acknowledge her feelings
- Apologise clearly — say what was wrong
- Helping with housework (Bukhari 676)
- Don't bring up the past
- Keep your promises and pray for her
Wife persuades husband
- A warm welcome at the door
- Choose your moment — not when tired or hungry
- Specific language of appreciation
- State your needs clearly, without sarcasm
- Give calm space, with time to talk again
- Guard her dignity in front of others
1Principles of making amends in Islam
In Malay, memujuk means soothing a hurt heart, reconciling, and sincerely winning back affection. It is not manipulating, threatening or ‘playing tug-of-war’. The Qur'an describes marriage as a place of sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah (Surah ar-Rum 30:21). Making amends means returning to these three things after a quarrel.
- Kindness (ihsan) and gentleness. The Prophet ﷺ said to Aishah r.a.: "Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness, and He gives for gentleness what He does not give for harshness" (Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Birr wa as-Silah wa al-Adab; similar wording in Sahih al-Bukhari 6927). He also said: "Gentleness is not found in anything except that it adorns it" (Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Birr wa as-Silah wa al-Adab).
- A gentle heart draws people in; a hard heart drives them away. "Had you been harsh and hard-hearted, they would have dispersed from around you" (Surah Ali 'Imran 3:159).
- Forgiving. "And let them pardon and overlook. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you?" (Surah an-Nur 24:22).
- Repaying bad with good. "Repel (evil) with what is better, and then the one between whom and you there was enmity will become as though a devoted friend" (Surah Fussilat 41:34).
- Reconciliation is better. About a husband and wife who have grown apart, Allah says: "…reconciliation is better" (Surah an-Nisa' 4:128).
- Starting the reconciliation. "It is not lawful for a Muslim to shun his brother for more than three nights… and the better of the two is the one who greets first" (Sahih al-Bukhari 6077; Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Birr wa as-Silah wa al-Adab). If this applies between fellow Muslims, it applies all the more between husband and wife.
Being the first to make amends is not a sign of defeat. The hadith above makes the one who starts the reconciliation the better of the two.
2The example of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ in making amends and being gentle
The Prophet's ﷺ household also experienced sulking, jealousy and misunderstanding. The way he handled them is the safest guide.
Understanding your wife's moodHe said to Aishah: "I know when you are pleased with me and when you are angry with me." When she was angry, Aishah would swear "No, by the Lord of Ibrahim" rather than "by the Lord of Muhammad". Aishah replied: "I only leave out your name." (Sahih al-Bukhari 5228). He was perceptive, did not make an issue of it, and even mentioned it affectionately.
Drinking from the same placeAishah drank from a vessel while she was menstruating, and the Prophet ﷺ put his mouth where Aishah's mouth had been and drank; likewise with a meat bone (Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Haid). Small affections like these build a sense of being valued.
Making amends with a son-in-law: the story of Abu TurabAli r.a. had a disagreement with Fatimah r.a., went out and slept in the mosque. The Prophet ﷺ went looking for him, found him covered in dust, and brushed the dust off him, saying affectionately: "Get up, O Abu Turab (father of dust)." (Sahih al-Bukhari 441). No lecturing, no taking sides; only gentleness and an affectionate nickname that Ali came to love.
Racing with AishahOn one journey he raced Aishah on foot and Aishah won; then on another occasion he won and said: "This is for that one." (narrated by Abu Dawud 2578, sahih). Playfulness and time together are part of the sunnah.
Best to one's family"The best of you is the one who is best to his family, and I am the best of you to my family" (Sunan at-Tirmidhi 3895, sahih). A person's character is measured at home, not outside.
A wife comforting her husband: Khadijah r.a.When the Prophet ﷺ came back from the Cave of Hira in fear, Khadijah calmed him: "No, by Allah, Allah will never disgrace you; you maintain the ties of kinship, you bear the burdens of others…" (Sahih al-Bukhari 3). Comfort that reminds the husband of his own goodness.
3Ways to make amends with your wife
The ways below suit a husband who wants to make peace after a quarrel, or to comfort a wife who is sad, tired or hurt. The Prophet ﷺ advised: "Enjoin good treatment of women" (Sahih al-Bukhari 5186; Sahih Muslim, Kitab ar-Radha'), and "Let no believing man hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her traits, he will be pleased with another" (Sahih Muslim, Kitab ar-Radha').
1. Listen without interruptingLet her tell the whole story. Don't jump to solutions or defend yourself. Often a wife wants to be heard first, not corrected.
2. Acknowledge her feelings"I understand you're hurt, love." Acknowledging feelings is not the same as admitting every fault, but it shows you see her hurt.
3. Apologise clearlySay what was wrong: "I'm sorry I spoke harshly just now." Avoid "Sorry if you're offended", which puts the blame on her.
4. Choose the right momentDon't force a discussion while anger is still at its peak, a child is crying or she has just come home from work. Allow a little time, but don't let it drag on.
5. Touch and sweet wordsHold her hand, hug her, kiss her forehead if she is comfortable with it. "A good word is charity" (Sahih al-Bukhari 2989; Sahih Muslim, Kitab az-Zakah). Respect it if she does not yet want to be touched.
6. Small giftsFlowers, a favourite food or a short note. "Give gifts to one another, and you will love one another" (narrated by al-Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, hasan). A gift completes an apology; it does not replace it.
7. Help with houseworkAishah was asked what the Prophet ﷺ did at home. She replied: "He used to help with his family's chores; when the time for prayer came, he went out to pray" (Sahih al-Bukhari 676). Wash the dishes, see to the children, fold the laundry: actions speak louder than words.
8. Don't bring up old storiesResolve today's issue only. Bringing up old mistakes opens new wounds and turns making amends into a trial.
9. Not in front of others or the childrenDiscuss and make amends in private. Correcting her or arguing in front of family, friends or children humiliates her and makes it hard for her to soften.
10. Affectionate namesThe Prophet ﷺ called Aishah "Ya 'Aisy" (Sahih al-Bukhari 3768). Use a pet name she likes, especially when things are tense.
11. Keep your promisesIf you promise to change, prove it. A broken promise makes the next attempt at making amends hard to believe.
12. Pray for himPray quietly and also in front of him: "O Allah, soften both our hearts and unite us in goodness." Prayer softens the heart of the one who prays and the one prayed for.
A hadith permits husband and wife to embellish their words to please each other (Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Birr wa as-Silah wa al-Adab). Scholars explain that this covers words of love and praise, not lying about rights, maintenance or matters that harm one's spouse.
4Ways to make amends with your husband
A husband too can feel hurt, stressed or withdrawn. A wife who wisely makes amends is not lowering herself; she is practising the same kindness (ihsan) that is required of the husband. The Prophet ﷺ said: "Whoever does not thank people does not thank Allah" (narrated by Abu Dawud 4811 and at-Tirmidhi, sahih).
1. A warm welcomeGreet him at the door with a smile and salam, not a list of problems. The first five minutes set the mood for the whole evening.
2. Choose your momentDon't start a heavy discussion when he is tired, hungry, driving or has just come home. Wait until after he has eaten and rested.
3. Words of appreciationMention his specific efforts: "Thank you for getting up early to take the children." Men are usually gentler when they feel their efforts are appreciated.
4. State your needs clearlySay what you need directly and politely. Avoid sarcasm, making him guess, or hoping he will "just understand".
5. Touch and a smileHold his hand, sit close. Smiling at your brother is charity (narrated by at-Tirmidhi 1956, hasan), all the more so to your husband.
6. His favourite foodCook a dish he likes or make his favourite drink. A language of love through actions, not a bribe.
7. Apologise when you are wrong"I'm sorry I raised my voice just now." Short, clear, with no "but".
8. Give him quiet spaceSome men need to be silent for a while before they can talk. Give space, but set a time to talk again so that silence does not become shunning.
9. Protect his dignity in front of othersDo not correct, mock or talk about his weaknesses in front of family, friends or on social media. Defend him outside; discuss things inside.
10. Remind him of his goodnessAs Khadijah r.a. comforted the Prophet ﷺ (Sahih al-Bukhari 3): mention his good qualities when he is low or disappointed.
11. Gifts and small surprisesA note in his work bag, a message with a prayer, a small thing he needs. Exchanging gifts makes love grow.
12. Talk things through calmlyUse "I feel…" rather than "you always…". Umm Salamah r.a. advised the Prophet ﷺ calmly and briefly at Hudaibiyah, and her advice was accepted (Sahih al-Bukhari 2731).
5Sample sentences and phrases for making amends
The sentences below are only examples. Adapt them to your own way of speaking; what matters is sincerity, a gentle tone and following through with action.
Husband to wife
- "I'm sorry. I was wrong to speak like that."
- "Do you want to talk, love? I'm listening; I won't interrupt."
- "I can see you're tired, love. Let me look after the children tonight."
- "I don't like it when we fight. I love you more than I want to win."
- "What can I do to make you feel better, love?"
- "Thank you for looking after the home and the children. I don't say it often, but I see it."
- "Let's rest first, and talk it through calmly after Isha, alright?"
- "I pray for you, love, after every prayer."
- "I promise I'll try to change. Remind me if I forget."
Wife to husband
- "I'm sorry, dear. I shouldn't have raised my voice."
- "Thank you for working so hard for us."
- "You look tired. Rest first, and we'll talk later."
- "I feel sad when… I hope you can…"
- "I don't want us to go to sleep angry."
- "You're a good husband. I know you're trying."
- "I'm cooking your favourite dish tonight."
- "What's troubling you? I'm here to listen."
- "I always pray for you."
Sweet words without a change in behaviour are eventually seen as empty. If the problem keeps recurring, making amends must come with a clear plan for change.
6What not to do
Some actions not only fail to make amends but are forbidden or make things worse.
- Prolonged silence / the cold shoulder. Shunning a fellow Muslim for more than three nights is forbidden (Sahih al-Bukhari 6077; Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Birr wa as-Silah wa al-Adab). This is different from the hajr in bed mentioned in Surah an-Nisa' 4:34 as a limited step for nushuz (marital defiance), not a weapon for every misunderstanding (see Nushuz).
- Threatening divorce. Talaq is not a tool for threats. Marriage, talaq and revocation take effect even when said in jest (narrated by Abu Dawud 2194 and at-Tirmidhi 1184, hasan). Threats destroy the sense of safety in a marriage.
- Extreme sulking. Running away from home without saying, refusing to talk for days, threatening self-harm. Mild sulking (rajuk) is understandable; sulking that punishes a spouse destroys trust.
- Comparing with others or with a co-wife. "Other people's husbands…", "Your first wife is more…". Comparisons humiliate and go against the prohibition on ridicule (Surah al-Hujurat 49:11).
- Revealing secrets. "Among the people in the worst position before Allah on the Day of Resurrection is a man who is intimate with his wife and she with him, and then he spreads her secrets" (Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-Nikah). This includes telling a spouse's faults on social media.
| Do | Avoid |
|---|---|
| Be first with the salam and reconciliation | Waiting for your spouse to plead first |
| Apologise specifically | "Sorry if you're offended" |
| Listen to the end | Interrupting, defending yourself, lecturing |
| Discuss in private | Arguing in front of the children, family or on social media |
| Focus on today's issue | Bringing up old faults |
| "I feel… I need…" | "You always… you never…" |
| Give space with a clear time limit | Staying silent for days without explanation |
| Gifts, help and prayer | Threats of divorce, threats to leave home |
| Praise your spouse's good qualities | Comparing with others or with a co-wife |
| Keep your promise to change | Promising but repeating the same mistake |
7Making amends in a polygynous household
In polygyny, making amends with one wife must not be done by wronging another wife. The Prophet ﷺ warned about a husband who inclines towards one of his wives: he will come on the Day of Resurrection with one side of his body leaning (narrated by Abu Dawud 2133, sahih). See also Practical rotation of nights and Relations between co-wives.
Making amends without breaching the rotationComfort a wife who is hurt through calls, messages, a short daytime visit or a gift, but do not spend the night outside the rotation without the permission of the wife whose turn it is. Aishah narrated that the Prophet ﷺ visited all his wives every day without intimacy, until he reached the wife whose turn it was (narrated by Abu Dawud, hasan).
Making amends with a jealous wifeJealousy is human nature; the Prophet's ﷺ wives were jealous too. When one wife broke a dish sent by her co-wife, he picked up the pieces and said "Your mother is jealous", then replaced the dish (Sahih al-Bukhari 5225). Acknowledge her feelings, do not mock, and show fairness through a consistent schedule.
Do not compare wivesDo not make amends with one wife by speaking badly of another ("You understand me better than she does"). It breeds hostility and is contrary to fairness in conduct.
A wife making amends without putting down her co-wifeA wife may make amends with her husband and express her needs, but not by backbiting her co-wife, asking for the co-wife to be divorced (forbidden: Sahih al-Bukhari 5152) or demanding that the husband breach her co-wife's turn in the rotation.
Gifts and fair timeIf you give one wife a large gift to make amends, take care that it does not become unfairness in matters that must be equal, such as maintenance and the rotation of nights.
Personal spaceEvery wife has the right to be reconciled with in private. Do not discuss a disagreement with one wife in front of another wife.
8When making amends does not work
Some conflicts cannot be resolved with sweet words because the cause runs deeper: finances, work stress, family interference, trauma or mental health.
- Arbitrators (hakam). "And if you fear a breach between the two, appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will bring about harmony between them" (Surah an-Nisa' 4:35). Choose people who are fair, trustworthy and not inclined to take sides.
- Counselling. The Family Consultation and Development Unit at the State Islamic Religious Department or the District Islamic Religious Office provides marriage counselling. Registered private counsellors can also help. Asking for help is an effort, not a failure.
- Syariah Court. If the case goes to court, sulh (reconciliation) proceedings are usually held first. See Nushuz and Talaq.
Safety first. Ways to win hearts not apply to violence. If there is hitting, threats, excessive control or serious emotional abuse, do not try to "make amends" with the abuser as a solution. Call 999 in an emergency or Talian Kasih 15999. A protection order can be applied for under the Domestic Violence Act 1994 (Act 521).
Sources & references
Surah ar-Rum 30:21Surah Ali 'Imran 3:159Surah an-Nur 24:22Surah Fussilat 41:34Surah an-Nisa' 4:34, 4:35, 4:128Surah al-Hujurat 49:11Sahih al-Bukhari 3 (Khadijah calming the Prophet ﷺ)Sahih al-Bukhari 441 (Abu Turab)Sahih al-Bukhari 676 (the Prophet ﷺ helping his family)Sahih al-Bukhari 2989; Sahih Muslim, Kitab az-Zakah (a good word is charity)Sahih al-Bukhari 3768 ("Ya 'Aisy")Sahih al-Bukhari 5152 (prohibition on asking for a co-wife to be divorced)Sahih al-Bukhari 5186; Sahih Muslim, Kitab ar-Radha' (enjoining good treatment of women)Sahih al-Bukhari 5225 (the broken dish)Sahih al-Bukhari 5228 (the Prophet ﷺ knowing Aishah's anger and pleasure)Sahih al-Bukhari 6077; Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Birr wa as-Silah wa al-Adab (prohibition on shunning for more than three nights)Sahih al-Bukhari 6927; Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Birr wa as-Silah wa al-Adab (gentleness)Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Haid (drinking from the same place)Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-Nikah (prohibition on revealing the secrets between husband and wife)Sahih Muslim, Kitab ar-Radha' (do not hate a wife for one trait)Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Birr wa as-Silah wa al-Adab (pleasing words between husband and wife)Sunan at-Tirmidhi 3895 (the best of you to your family) — sahihNarrated by Abu Dawud 2578 — racing with Aishah (sahih)Narrated by Abu Dawud 2133 — the husband who inclines to one wife (sahih); daily visits to the wives (hasan)Narrated by Abu Dawud 4811 and at-Tirmidhi — not thanking people (sahih); marriage, talaq and rujuk in jest (Abu Dawud 2194; hasan)Narrated by at-Tirmidhi 1956 — a smile is charity (hasan)Narrated by al-Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad — "tahadu tahabbu" (hasan)Sahih al-Bukhari 2731 — Umm Salamah's advice at HudaibiyahDomestic Violence Act 1994 (Act 521)Talian Kasih 15999; emergency 999
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