Educating the family: the duty of husband and wife

1What you will learn

After this lesson, you should be able to:

1. Explain the duty to protect the family, based on Surah at-Tahrim 66:6 and the hadith "Each of you is a shepherd".
2. Distinguish the roles of husband and wife in tarbiyah, and how the two work together.
3. Follow the Prophet's ﷺ guidance on teaching children to pray from the age of seven.
4. Balance affection and discipline, including being just to all the children in a polygynous family.

2The core evidence: protect yourselves and your families

Allah says: "O you who believe! Protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones…" (Surah at-Tahrim 66:6).

This verse begins with oneself, then the family. A person cannot educate others if he himself does not learn and practise. The commentators explain that protecting the family means teaching them what is obligatory, enjoining good and forbidding wrong.

The Prophet ﷺ said: "Each of you is a shepherd and each of you will be asked about his flock… A man is the shepherd of his family and he will be asked about his flock. A woman is the shepherd in her husband's home and she will be asked about her flock…" (Sahih al-Bukhari 893; Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Imarah).

Allah also says: "And enjoin prayer upon your family and be steadfast in it" (Surah Taha 20:132). Educating requires long patience, not a single reprimand.

3The roles of husband and wife in tarbiyah

Tarbiyah is shared work. The hadith above places the responsibility on both husband and wife, each in their own sphere.

4Teaching children to pray

The Prophet ﷺ said: "Command your children to pray when they are seven years old, and strike them (for neglecting it) when they are ten, and separate their beds" (Sunan Abu Dawud 495 — hasan sahih).

• Before 7 years — the child sees the parents praying, stands beside them, memorises short surahs and duʿas. Make prayer something joyful.
• 7 to 10 years — tell them gently and consistently: teach wudu', the recitations and the movements; praise every step forward. These three years are the time for building the habit — around 5,000 reminders.
• 10 years and over — firmness increases. Scholars stress that "strike" here means a light correction that causes no injury, is not on the face and is not out of anger; its aim is to educate, not to punish. Many educators today choose other forms of firmness (withdrawing privileges) that achieve the same aim.
• Separate the beds of boys and girls from the age of ten.

5Setting an example: children imitate, they don't just listen

Allah says: "There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allah an excellent example" (Surah al-Ahzab 33:21), and rebukes: "O you who believe, why do you say what you do not do?" (Surah as-Saff 61:2).

• A child who sees his father hurrying to prayer finds it easier to pray than a child who is only told to.
• If the parents speak harshly, lie ("say Dad's not at home") or are absorbed in their phones, the children learn those things.
• Admit your mistakes in front of the children and apologise — this teaches honesty and humility.

The Prophet ﷺ said that when a person dies, his deeds come to an end except for three, among them "a righteous child who prays for him" (Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Wasiyyah). Raising children is the parents' investment for the Hereafter.

6The family circle (usrah at home)

The family circle is a short, regular gathering for learning for the whole household — 15 to 20 minutes a week is enough if it is kept up.

1. Opening — reciting a few verses of the Qur'an in turn, including the young children.
2. One piece of knowledge — one short hadith, one ruling of personal religious obligation (fardu ain) (for example, the pillars of wudu'), or one story of the Prophet and the Companions.
3. Discussion — ask the children: "What can we do this week?"
4. Du'a and closing — let the children take turns to recite the du'a.

7Adab, character and digital media

Luqman advised his son on tawhid, prayer, enjoining good, patience, not being arrogant and lowering one's voice (Surah Luqman 31:13–19) — a complete curriculum of adab.

• Daily adab: giving salam, asking permission before entering a room (Surah an-Nur 24:58–59), eating with the right hand and saying bismillah, saying thank you.
• ʿAwrah and modesty: teach gradually, as suits their age, including about the parts of the body that others may not touch.

Digital media is a new "neighbour" in the home:

• Set family rules: no phones at meals or after bedtime; devices are charged in a shared space, not in bedrooms.
• Use parental controls and check the apps and games installed.
• Teach the children that sin and reward also apply online — backbiting, bullying and looking at what is forbidden.
• The parents are bound by the same rules.

8Balancing affection and discipline

The Prophet ﷺ kissed his grandson al-Hasan. Al-Aqra' bin Habis said that he had ten children and had never kissed any of them. The Prophet said: "Whoever does not show mercy will not be shown mercy" (Sahih al-Bukhari 5997; Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Fadha'il).

• Anas bin Malik r.a. served the Prophet ﷺ for ten years from childhood, and the Prophet never once said "uff" to him or asked "why did you do this?" (Sahih al-Bukhari 6038; Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Fadha'il).
• He prayed while carrying his granddaughter Umamah — putting her down when he prostrated and picking her up when he stood (Sahih al-Bukhari 516; Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Masajid wa Mawadi' as-Solat).
• "Gentleness is not found in anything except that it adorns it, and it is not removed from anything except that it disfigures it" (Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Birr wa as-Silah wa al-Adab).

Discipline is still needed: clear rules, reasonable consequences, and consistency. The principle: firm on the matter, gentle in the manner. Correct the act, not the child's dignity ("that was wrong", not "you are a bad child").

9Raising children in a polygynous family

An-Nu'man bin Bashir r.a. was given a gift by his father. His mother wanted the Messenger of Allah ﷺ to be a witness. He asked whether all his children had been given the same gift; when told no, he said: "Fear Allah and be just between your children", and declined to be a witness (Sahih al-Bukhari 2587; Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Hibat).

• Be just to all the children of every wife — in time, gifts, education spending and attention. Different needs (for example, university fees) are not injustice if handled on the same principle.
• One standard of upbringing — the same rules on prayer, screens and adab in every home, so the children do not compare.
• Do not make the children messengers or spies between homes, and do not disparage a stepmother or half-siblings in front of them.
• Encourage the children to know their half-siblings on the father's side as family, not rivals.

See also Children in polygyny.

10Practice

Checklist for this week:

• ☐ I myself kept the five daily prayers on time.
• ☐ We prayed in congregation as a family at least once a day.
• ☐ Every child aged 7 and over was gently reminded to pray, and praised for doing so.
• ☐ We held a 15-minute family circle this week.
• ☐ I hugged, kissed or praised each child today.
• ☐ Family screen rules have been set and kept — including by the parents.
• ☐ Husband and wife spent 10 minutes discussing each child's progress.
• ☐ (Polygyny) Gifts, time and spending on the children in each home have been checked for fairness.

11Test yourself

Try to answer first before reading the answer.

Sources & references