Communication and emotional management between spouses

1What you will learn

This site has pages on nushuz and conflict, techniques of persuasion and Talaq. What is missing is a lesson about what happens before all of that — how a husband and wife speak, listen, grow angry and make up every day. It is for all couples: one wife or more.

After this lesson, you should be able to:

1. Stating the four commands of the Qur'an about the way of speaking.
2. Listening to one complaint to the end, and repeating it back before replying.
3. Stating one need without accusation and without "always" or "never".
4. Doing the three things the Sunnah teaches when anger flares.
5. Knowing the limits of silence and sulking, and when it turns into harm.
6. Knowing the path of sulh, the arbiter (hakam) and the court — and when it needs to be opened.

2The way one speaks is itself a part of the religion

In many homes the content of the conversation is right but the manner is ruinous — and the Qur'an does not leave that manner to each person's taste.

• Upright speech. "Fear Allah and speak upright words (qawlan sadida) — that He may set right your deeds…" (Surah al-Ahzab 33:70–71). Note the order: upright speech is stated as the cause of deeds being set right.
• Kind speech (qawlan ma'rufa) is commanded even to one incapable of managing his own property (Surah an-Nisa' 4:5); we are told to "choose the best words" because "the devil sows discord between them" (Surah al-Isra' 17:53); and a kind word is better than a charity followed by injury (Surah al-Baqarah 2:263).
• Consort kindly. "…and consort with them kindly. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing in which Allah has placed much good." (Surah an-Nisa' 4:19).
• Gentle, even to the most tyrannical — Musa was told to speak gently to Pharaoh (Surah Taha 20:44), and to argue "in the best manner" (Surah an-Nahl 16:125). "He started it" does not annul this command.
• Clear prohibitions: do not mock, do not call by an offensive name, do not be suspicious, do not backbite (Surah al-Hujurat 49:11–12). Marriage, in turn, is built on tranquillity and affection (Surah ar-Rum 30:21) — so a manner of speaking that removes the tranquillity attacks the very purpose of marriage.

From the Sunnah: "…let him say what is good or stay silent" (Sahih al-Bukhari 6018); a kind word is counted as charity (Sahih al-Bukhari 2989); nothing is heavier on a believer's scale than good character (narrated by Abu Dawud 4799 — sahih).

3Listening: the work most often neglected

In many quarrels, both sides are composing their reply and no one is listening. Listening is not staying silent while waiting for one's turn.

• Mutual consultation is a trait of the believers — Allah praises those who "conduct their affairs by mutual consultation" (Surah ash-Shura 42:38); and even in the most private family matter, weaning a child, the Qur'an mentions the consent and consultation of both parties (Surah al-Baqarah 2:233).
• The Prophet ﷺ recognised his wife's feelings and said so. He told Aishah that he knew when she was pleased and when she was angry — from a small change in her words (Sahih al-Bukhari 5228).
• Repeat back before replying: "So you mean, when I come home late without telling you, you feel unappreciated — is that right?" If she says "that's not it", you have just avoided a long quarrel.
• Ask before advising — "Do you want me just to listen, or do you want me to help solve it?" Much anger begins when one side wants to be heard and the other goes straight to a solution. Listening fully does not even mean agreeing.
• Choose the time — do not open a weighty matter when tired or in front of the children. Umm Salamah's counsel changed the situation at Hudaybiyyah because it was given at the right time and in the right way (Sahih al-Bukhari 2731).

4Speaking: stating a need without attacking

The second problem is the manner of stating it. Many a valid need is delivered in the form of an accusation — and it is the accusation that gets answered, not the need.

• Speak from your own side. "I feel alone when we don't speak all evening" can be answered. "You never care about me" can only be denied.
• One thing at a time, and drop the absolute words — always, never, you are just like this.
• Do not touch what cannot be taken back: family and origins, Talaq as a threat, one's spouse's religion as a whole, and — in a polygynous household — comparison between wives. See Parents-in-law & in-laws, Talaq and The co-wife relationship.
• Ask clearly — end with a single request that can be met: "Can you message me if you'll be more than half an hour late?" And mention the good too: whoever does not thank people does not give thanks to Allah (narrated by Abu Dawud 4811 — sahih).
• Reviling is not "ordinary anger". Asked about the wife's right, the Prophet ﷺ mentioned among them: "…do not strike her face, do not revile her, and do not separate yourself from her except within the home" (narrated by Abu Dawud 2142 — sahih).

5Anger: not a sin, but what one does when angry can become a sin

The Qur'an does not command people never to be angry; it praises those who restrain their anger and forgive (Surah Aali 'Imran 3:134; Surah ash-Shura 42:37).

• The counsel repeated three times. A man asked the Prophet ﷺ for counsel; he said "Do not become angry", and each time the man repeated his request he repeated the same answer (Sahih al-Bukhari 6116).
• True strength. "The strong man is not the one who overcomes others by his strength, but the one who masters himself when angry" (Sahih al-Bukhari 6114).
• The words that bring anger down. Two men were quarrelling before the Prophet ﷺ until the face of one of them turned red; he said that there is a word which, if he said it, his anger would go — "I seek refuge in Allah from the devil" (Sahih al-Bukhari 6115; see also 3282).
• Change the body's position. "When one of you is angry while standing, let him sit down. If his anger goes, well and good; if not, let him lie down" (narrated by Abu Dawud 4782 — sahih). There is a great reward for one who restrains anger while able to let it loose (Abu Dawud 4777 — hasan), and a house on the edge of Paradise for one who abandons a quarrel even when he is in the right (Abu Dawud 4800 — hasan).
• Performing wudu' when angry is narrated with the wording that anger is from the devil and fire is extinguished with water — but that narration is weak (da'if) (Abu Dawud 4784). The practice is good; only do not lean it on a hadith as something strong.
• When the anger itself is the problem: when it becomes a pattern — erupting almost every week over something small, breaking or shoving, frightening the wife and children, and the same remorse with nothing changing. Stop looking for conversation techniques; get outside help (the 11 section, Counselling).

6Silence and sulking: where the limit is

Silence has its place — to cool down, not to torment. The Shariah places a limit on it, and that limit is rarely taught.

• The limit of shunning. "Do not hate one another, do not envy one another, do not shun one another… and it is not lawful for a Muslim to shun his brother more than three days" (Sahih al-Bukhari 6065; and 6077: "the better of the two is the one who gives the greeting first"). If that is the limit between two people who are merely brothers in faith, a married couple is no more lax.
• Even if there is a separation, not by leaving the home — "…except within the home" (narrated by Abu Dawud 2142 — sahih).
• The limit of withholding relations. "For those who swear not to approach their wives, (there is) a wait of four months…" (Surah al-Baqarah 2:226–227). The lesson: distancing oneself cannot be left without an end.
• An ordered separation, not a sulk. The separation of beds in Surah an-Nisa' 4:34 is an ordered step with its own conditions and limits — see Nushuz & conflict. It is not a licence to stay silent for a month out of hurt feelings.
• In a polygynous household, staying silent while abandoning one's turn changes a disagreement of feelings into a dispute of rights (Managing turns). And children need to see their parents make up after a quarrel more than a home that pretends (Raising a family).

7Making up after a quarrel

It is not the couple who never quarrel who endure, but the couple who know how to make up — a skill that has its evidence.

• Repel the bad with what is better. "Repel (the evil) with what is better — then the one between whom and you there was enmity will become like a close friend" (Surah Fussilat 41:34); and forgiving is mentioned specifically regarding spouse and child (Surah at-Taghabun 64:14; see also Surah an-Nur 24:22).
• Apologise to the one wronged, not merely seek forgiveness from Allah — "Whoever has wronged his brother in his honour or anything else, let him seek to be released from it before the Day of Resurrection…" (Sahih al-Bukhari 2449).
• The right way to apologise: name the act ("sorry I raised my voice and brought up your family", not "sorry if you took offence"); do not put a "but" after it; state what will change. Forgiving is work too — accepting an apology means ceasing to bring it up as a weapon.
• Repair the small things every day. The Prophet ﷺ — the best of people to his family (at-Tirmidhi 1162 and 3895 — sahih; Ibn Majah 1977 — sahih) — said to Aishah that Allah loves gentleness in every matter (Sahih al-Bukhari 6024; see also 6927). See Daily etiquette and Techniques of persuasion.

8Before hurt feelings turn into resentment

A household rarely collapses because of one quarrel. It collapses because of an accumulation of things that were never settled.

• Do not keep a list. A matter not raised within a week usually will not be raised calmly again — raise it now in a good way, or let it go for real.
• Do not be suspicious and do not snoop (Surah al-Hujurat 49:12). Checking a phone in secret does not resolve mistrust — it replaces it with something harder to repair.
• Guard your spouse's faults. Whoever conceals the faults of a Muslim, Allah conceals his faults (at-Tirmidhi 1930 — sahih; see also Sahih al-Bukhari 2442 and 6069). Airing a household quarrel on social media adds a new problem; discussing it with a counsellor, an arbiter (hakam) or the court to seek help is not included in this prohibition.
• Do not judge a person by a single trait (Surah an-Nisa' 4:19). The Prophet ﷺ forbade a believer to hate his wife over one quality, for if he dislikes one thing in her he will be pleased with another (narrated by Muslim, Kitab ar-Rada' — mentioned without a number because the numbering of Sahih Muslim differs between editions).
• Major decisions are not for a heated night (Impulse & decisions). And hurt feelings of years' standing will not be settled with one conversation — that is not a failure, that is the reason a third party is provided for in the Shariah.

9When a third party is needed: counsel, sulh and the arbiter (hakam)

Asking for help is not exposing one's faults. The Qur'an and Malaysian law both provide this path before divorce.

• Sulh between the couple themselves. "And if a wife fears nushuz or neglect from her husband, there is no blame on them to make a reconciliation (sulh) between themselves — and reconciliation is better…" (Surah an-Nisa' 4:128).
• An arbiter (hakam) from each family — "…appoint an arbiter from the man's family and an arbiter from the woman's family…" (Surah an-Nisa' 4:35).
• Reconciling is a great act. The Prophet ﷺ described it as higher in degree than fasting, prayer and charity (narrated by Abu Dawud 4919 — sahih); and one who reconciles by conveying something good is not counted a liar (Sahih al-Bukhari 2692).
• In law (Act 303, Federal Territories — each state has its own enactment and section numbers): s.47(1)(e) — an application for divorce must be accompanied by a statement of what steps, if any, have been taken to achieve reconciliation; s.47(5)–(6) — if one party does not consent to divorce or the court sees a reasonable possibility of reconciliation, the court appoints a Conciliatory Committee (a Religious Officer as chairman and two persons for the husband's and wife's sides, giving preference to close relatives); s.47(9) — that committee is given a period of six months to reconcile, or such extended period as the court allows; s.48 — if the court is satisfied that there is a continuing quarrel (shiqaq), two arbiters (Hakam) are appointed for the husband's and wife's sides, and no Syarie lawyer is permitted to appear before the Hakam unless he is a close family member (s.48(7)).
• Who is referred to earlier: someone trustworthy who can keep a secret — a counsellor, a religious officer, or a relative who will not take sides. Choose together, before a crisis; references are at Counselling.

10When it is no longer a quarrel

All of the above are skills for two people who both want to improve the situation. There are situations that are not a communication problem — and treating them as a communication problem endangers people.

• Hitting, shoving, choking, throwing objects, or threats to injure are not "anger that got loose". The Prophet ﷺ forbade a man to beat his wife as he beats a slave (Sahih al-Bukhari 5204), and forbade striking the face and reviling the wife (narrated by Abu Dawud 2142 — sahih).
• In law: Act 303 s.127(1) — a man who wrongs his wife or defrauds his wife of her property, or a woman who wrongs her husband or defrauds her husband of his property, commits an offence: a fine not exceeding one thousand ringgit or imprisonment not exceeding six months or both; s.127(2) allows the court to order compensation for the property defrauded. Domestic violence is also dealt with under a separate civil law — see Nushuz & conflict.
• Other signs: one of them feels afraid in their own home; one controls the other's money, documents, phone or movement; threats against the children; injury, even once. If there is immediate danger to life — get emergency help at once, before any religious or marital discussion.
• Prolonged sadness that disrupts daily functioning is not a matter of conversation skill and not a weakness of faith. This site gives no medical advice and names no condition; the signs and the referral path are at Trials of married life and Counselling.
• The prohibition on exposing a spouse's faults does not mean a person must bear harm in silence.

11Where the scholars and schools differ

Several matters in this chapter are not agreed upon. This site shows the difference and does not choose for the reader; refer to your state's religious officer or mufti.

• The time limit on staying silent with one's spouse. The prohibition on shunning beyond three nights (Sahih al-Bukhari 6065, 6077) comes in the context of two Muslims. Some scholars apply it to a married couple too; others distinguish between shunning out of enmity and the ordered separation in Surah an-Nisa' 4:34, and hold that the second has its own measure.
• The effect of ila' after four months (Surah al-Baqarah 2:226–227). The Hanafi school holds that the end of that period itself effects a Talaq. The Maliki, Shafi'i and Hanbali schools hold that it does not fall of itself: the husband is required to choose — return or divorce — and the judge presses that choice.
• The third step in Surah an-Nisa' 4:34. Some scholars stipulate that it not injure and not be to the face (narrated by Abu Dawud 2142 — sahih); some describe it as a very narrow permission better left aside altogether; some contemporary scholars hold that it no longer applies in a setting that has law and courts — see Nushuz and Scholars' views. What is not disputed: harm and violence are unlawful.
• The arbiter's (Hakam's) power to divorce. Scholars differ over whether the two arbiters in Surah an-Nisa' 4:35 are agents who may act only with the permission of their respective parties, or deciders who may separate without that permission. Act 303 s.48(5)–(6) handles it administratively: the Hakam are to seek full authority from their respective parties, and if they are of the view that the couple should be divorced but are unable to order it, the court appoints other Hakam and grants them that power.

12Practice: the household meeting and agreed rules

What works is one fixed time and a few rules agreed upon before the anger.

Household meeting — 20 minutes, once a week, at a fixed time when both are not tired, phones put away: (1) one thing to be grateful for about one's spouse; (2) money — in, out, upcoming; (3) next week's schedule, including turns and the children; (4) one thing I need from you; (5) one supplication together. If one issue turns heated, note it and give it its own time.

• ☐ Set the day and time of the household meeting, and write it where it can be seen.
• ☐ Agree on one pause signal and its length — for example 20 minutes, not "later".
• ☐ Agree on three things that will not be said even in anger: Talaq, in-laws, and comparison with others.
• ☐ Agree not to sleep without being on speaking terms, and that no household quarrel is taken to social media.
• ☐ Choose together one trustworthy person for each side who can be referred to without exposing faults.
• ☐ Memorise a'udhu billahi minash-shaytanir-rajim for moments of anger, and practise sitting or lying down (Abu Dawud 4782 — sahih).
• ☐ If there are hurt feelings of years' standing: set one appointment with a counsellor or religious officer this month.

13Test yourself

Try to answer first before reading the answer.

Sources & references