Everyday adab for husband and wife

1What you will learn

After this lesson, you should be able to:

1. Explains the meaning of mu'asharah bil-ma'ruf (Surah an-Nisa' 4:19) as a shared duty of husband and wife.
2. Practise at least ten everyday adab with evidence — from salam to du'a for your spouse.
3. Identify habits that damage a marriage: shunning, exposing secrets, raking up the past and comparing.
4. Maintain good adab in front of children and family, and in a polygynous household.

2The basis: living together in a good way

Allah says: "…And live with them (your wives) in kindness. For if you dislike them, (be patient), for perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah places in it much good" (Surah an-Nisa' 4:19).

Allah also says: "…And they (wives) have rights similar to their obligations, according to what is reasonable…" (Surah al-Baqarah 2:228). So good adab means the rights and duties of both parties.

• "The best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best of you to my family" (Sunan at-Tirmidhi 3895 — sahih).
• "The most complete of the believers in faith are those best in character, and the best of you are those who are best to their wives" (Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1162 — hasan sahih).
• "Let no believing man hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her traits, he will be pleased with another" (Sahih Muslim, Kitab ar-Radha').

3Salam, smiles and kind words

• Salam on entering the home — "When you enter houses, greet one another (the people of the house)… with a greeting from Allah, blessed and good" (Surah an-Nur 24:61). Salam is a prayer, not merely a greeting.
• A smile — "Your smile in the face of your brother is charity" (narrated by at-Tirmidhi 1956 — hasan). If it is charity towards a brother in faith, it is all the more so towards a spouse.
• Kind words — "A good word is charity" (Sahih al-Bukhari 2989; Sahih Muslim, Kitab az-Zakah). "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him speak good or remain silent" (Sahih al-Bukhari 6018; Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Iman).
• Call your spouse by the name or term of endearment they like. Avoid a sarcastic tone, shouting, and criticising your spouse's family.

4Helping with housework and eating together

'Aishah r.a. was asked what the Prophet ﷺ did at home. She replied: "He was always in the service of (helping) his family, and when the time for prayer came, he went out to pray" (Sahih al-Bukhari 676).

• A husband who helps with cooking, washing, looking after the children or tidying is following the Sunnah — not lowering his dignity.
• A wife who runs the home does a great deed; value it as a contribution, not as "that's her job anyway".
• Eating together — the Prophet ﷺ said that maintenance spent for the sake of Allah is rewarded, "even the morsel you put into your wife's mouth" (Sahih al-Bukhari 56; Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Wasiyyah).

5Appreciating and adorning yourself for your spouse

• Giving thanks — "Whoever does not thank people has not thanked Allah" (narrated by Abu Dawud 4811 and at-Tirmidhi — sahih). Say thank you for small things: food, maintenance, help.
• Praise sincerely — praise for effort means more than general praise.
• Adorning yourself for your spouse — Ibn 'Abbas r.a. said: "I love to adorn myself for my wife just as I love her to adorn herself for me", citing 2:228 (Tafsir at-Tabari). Personal hygiene, fresh breath, neat clothes at home — for husband and wife alike.
• The Prophet ﷺ mentioned that among the best of wives is one who pleases her husband when he looks at her (narrated by an-Nasa'i — hasan); likewise a husband should please his wife when she looks at him (the meaning of 2:228).

6Keeping secrets and not shunning

The secrets of the home: "Among the worst of people in standing before Allah on the Day of Resurrection is the man who is intimate with his wife and she with him, and then he spreads her secret" (Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-Nikah). This includes telling friends about your spouse's weaknesses, on social media or in WhatsApp groups. Discussing matters with a counsellor or judge to get help is not exposing faults.

Do not shun for more than three days: "It is not lawful for a Muslim to shun his brother for more than three nights, each turning away when they meet. The better of the two is the one who greets first" (Sahih al-Bukhari 6077; Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Birr wa as-Silah wa al-Adab).

7Joking, playing and time together

• 'Aishah r.a. related that she ran a race with the Prophet ﷺ and won. Some years later, after she had put on weight, they raced again and he won, and he said: "This is for that one" (narrated by Abu Dawud 2578 — sahih).
• The Prophet ﷺ screened 'Aishah with his body while she watched the Abyssinians playing with spears in the mosque, until 'Aishah herself had had enough (Sahih Muslim, Kitab Solat al-'Idain).
• 'Aishah drank, and the Prophet ﷺ then drank from the place where her lips had touched the vessel (Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Haid) — affection in small things.

Spend time together without phones: a walk, afternoon tea, going out now and then. Jokes must be truthful and never demeaning.

8Du'a for your spouse

Among the prayers of the servants of the Most Merciful: "Our Lord, grant us from among our wives (spouses) and offspring comfort to our eyes, and make us leaders of the God-fearing" (Surah al-Furqan 25:74).

• A Muslim's du'a for his brother without his knowledge is answered, and the angel says "and for you the same" (narrated by Muslim). Pray for your spouse in prostration — they need not know.
• Pray openly too, now and then: "May Allah bless you" is a loving word that earns reward.

9Adab in front of children and family

• Do not argue in front of the children. Children learn how to resolve conflict from their parents; if it slips out, let them also see you make up.
• Do not belittle your spouse in front of the children, in-laws or friends. Respect in public is the bulwark of a family's dignity.
• Honour your spouse's family — your parents-in-law are your children's grandparents. Maintaining family ties helps your spouse to be dutiful to their parents.
• Show modest affection in front of the children: salam, kissing hands, saying thank you.

10Adab in a polygynous household

• Do not compare — do not mention one wife's strengths in front of another ("she cooks better"). Comparison kills the feeling of being valued.
• Do not carry stories between homes. What happens in one home is that home's trust (Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-Nikah; the prohibition of backbiting — Surah al-Hujurat 49:12).
• Understanding jealousy — when one of the Prophet's ﷺ wives sent food and 'Aishah broke the dish, he gathered up the food, saying "Your mother is jealous", and replaced the broken dish (Sahih al-Bukhari 5225). He dealt with it calmly and fairly, without shaming anyone.
• Adab between co-wives — greet one another with salam, no veiled jibes on social media, no turning the children against anyone.

See also Relations between co-wives and Practical rotation of nights.

11Practice

A 7-day challenge — one adab a day, then keep going:

• ☐ Day 1: Give salam every time you enter the home and smile at your spouse.
• ☐ Day 2: Say thank you for three specific things.
• ☐ Day 3: Help with one household task your spouse usually does.
• ☐ Day 4: Eat together without phones.
• ☐ Day 5: Dress up and wear perfume for your spouse.
• ☐ Day 6: Pray for your spouse by name in prostration.
• ☐ Day 7: Spend 30 minutes together — walking, joking or chatting.
• ☐ All week: no secrets about your spouse told to others, and no shunning for more than a day.

12Test yourself

Try to answer first before reading the answer.

Sources & references